Month: July 2022

In one hundred years, Nashville will be owned by a network of Airbnb tycoons and occupied by nothing but bachelorettes. They will complain about the ultra-right-wing politics that stills dominates the state but will not care enough to go somewhere else or do anything tangible to change it. Some locals will still begrudgingly produce music for 60% of the western world. Electric, self-driving cars will produce a boon for PSC metals which will have expanded to cover much of the riverfront. In short, nothing will change but will increase in amplitude.

She had the ugliest soul of anyone I’ve met in the flesh. Her face was unremarkable. But her soul was a chasm. Dead eyes – deeply set in front of what must be a decomposing brain – shifted their near directionless stare toward me. Her mouth opened like a rectum preparing for a painful evacuation. How long had she hunted for a stooge onto whom she could shift her self-loathing? Well, she found had found her stooge in me.

“You ain’t got no top lip. Do you?”

Eighth grade was hard.

On the dare of the research assistant colleague after a post-deep-clean drinking binge, I swallowed the entire plate of a round of drug trials. A fist full of various pills. You aren’t supposed to do that on day three of an unpaid internship.

Or ever really…

Immediately, my nose began to itch. We all laughed and went home. Them to wives and children, me to a sick roommate. Some wicked flu or other.

I woke this morning to the sound of breakfast. Roommate is well! Turns out the whole housing complex is well. Before bed I remember my sneeze.

It was the sneeze to end all disease.

Did she choose this venue on purpose? I wouldn’t put it past her. I wouldn’t put much past her. But she had to know the management wouldn’t allow me to work this party. Had to guess I’d be sitting up here watching Colin and Campbell fill in for me.

Wait…

Why is Campbell winking at me?! What is he putting in that petite four? I should tell someone!

But…

But this addition is surely mostly harmless. Hallucinogenic at worst. Though, admittedly, laxative at best. Whatever it is, the result will be a memorable wedding.

I give him a casual thumbs up as I turn to leave.

The ocean giveth and she taketh away.

As the gentle foam rolled in and quickly receded, I noticed a dark spot on the seabed about two feet beneath the water. Nervously, I stepped in and plunged my hand beneath to grab – not knowing what I might find. Up came beautiful Ray Bans. Polarized Wayfarers. I wore them for one entire year until they slipped out of a bag and returned to their watery home.

37206: It’s 11 o’clock. Do you know where your lawnmower is?

bumper sticker

This was a common bumper sticker in our neighborhood. True story: One morning I came outside to find that some needy person had actually stolen our lawn mower. The joke, however, was on them. That lawnmower literally had a wheel being held on by fishing line. Yes, fishing line.